Lucid Thoughts

March 31, 2026

The rise of this April Fool’s full moon – more like fool moon – has been puppeteering my recent emotions.

I started texting a boy I used to know in a past life. We were always mutuals at group functions. Never friends, never enemies, just acquaintances sharing a conversation and a “good to see you” hug every now and then.

But I did always find him adorable.

I liked his story about three weeks ago and he liked mine back: a true symbol of modern-day flirting. Then, I redownloaded Hinge and he popped up – a sign. I sent him a message to hint that my story like was in fact intentional. Quickly, we began texting like we were supposed to have tried this years ago. Easy conversations, good banter, and small signs of an ability to get deeper with each other.

Dating is not something that I do; soaking in my single life is peaceful. I never text anybody or initiate any sort of flirtation. But with him, I felt giddy, like I was in middle school again with a crush. I found myself looking forward to his texts back.

But the second a man gives me attention I turn into a monster. I overthink every small movement or word or intention. I panic and worry about being too weird or too much. Then, I convince myself actually this person hates me, and I need to stop responding. And then I get upset that I’m running away and I go back to being me and responding like no thoughts were ever in my head.

I felt all this chaotic excitement and pure terror within the span of one week.

Yesterday, I jokingly sent a message about us being pen pals. In my head after three weeks of solely texting somebody, especially somebody you know, there would be a plan to see each other in place. He responded with a snarky comment about pen pals being for prisoners, we exchanged a few more words, and then that was it. We had routinely been communicating throughout the day, so I began to think that my message made him uneasy. I didn’t want him to think I was friend zoning him or trying to make him feel rushed into any sort of decision. The monster was unleashed yet again, at least only for a moment because I was able to reel myself in and reflect with a clear head about my intentions.

So, I followed up.

I told him what I meant behind the pen pal dialogue, that while I enjoyed texting him, I felt inhuman and wanted to connect with him in real life again after all these years. I overshared that I was in my head and apologized for coming off a certain way. Of course, immediately after pressing send I wanted to throw my phone out the window and then actually throw up and pray that he would never answer again because why would I ever let myself be vulnerable.

He answered hours later with two paragraphs about how he was not interested in getting to know me deeper.

Absolutely how humiliating.

The monster I was for these past few weeks appeared to be for good reason. Everything I felt in that state turned out to be true.

I immediately burst into tears and locked myself in my room for the night with a pizza and a sappy movie. I reread the messages over and over again, eventually removing the cute background he set for our chain because it felt wrong for those messages to be floating in beautiful sunset clouds. It felt like I was going through a breakup.

At the end of the day, we had only been texting for a few weeks. I’m not angry or upset with him, he’s entitled to his own life. I am deeply embarrassed by my own actions, that I went out of my comfort zone to initiate interest in him and it completely backfired in my face. I wish I didn’t know him because now I’ll never be able to interact with him the same again. What comes from this moment is nobody’s fault but my own.

This moment is why I stay in my lane.

Modern dating is utterly weird.

It reveals raw emotion without ever having authentic human interactions. Nobody gives each other the chance to even begin. Relationships are predetermined by misunderstood messages, unflattering photos, and a complete lack of genuine connection because it’s so easy to hide behind a screen.

At my core I am a lover girl. I crave romance and depth. It’s these brief moments with guys – and I’ve had too many of them – that make me believe true romance ceases to exist. Yearning has gotten lost in translation somewhere along the way and I’m afraid I’ll never get to experience it.

I feel like a fool right now, hence the moon above me. I’ll have to look up the symbolic meaning of its force on these emotions. I’m sure he reappeared for a reason.